


Invidia

by CanisConstellation



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Asexual Remus Lupin, Bisexual McGonagall with her lesbian wife brief mention, Having emotions is okay so long as you resolve them!, Homosexual Sirius Black, Insecurity, Jealousy, Multi, werewolf stigma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 09:53:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11964954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanisConstellation/pseuds/CanisConstellation
Summary: This is a prompt fill for the Introvert Club, this particular week Remus was a bit bothered by James and Sirius' platonic closeness. It is resolved in a manner that is conducive to a healthier relationship, pretty much the moral is you can feel jealous you just need to confront it and not lash out because of these feeling. Just set things straight and it'll all be okay :)Remus deals with some insecurities here, particularly lycanthropy and not understanding he is asexual, this is the 70s so information isn't very widespread and it doesn't help how ostracized he already feels.__Like color me confused I have made a lot of edits to this fic. It's been a year so I felt some revamping was order. I feel happy with the final result. Let me know what you guys think!__





	Invidia

Remus Lupin had learned over the years just how close Sirius Black and James Potter could be. It had certainly hindered the process of getting together with his boyfriend, not that he necessarily felt animosity towards either party for that. Nevertheless, he felt a little guilty every time their antics set a tone of uncertainty in his heart. He trusted Sirius more than life itself, and Remus would never assume the boy was going around behind his back. What Remus did fear was inadequacy, namely his personality and condition.

Eyes trained on the cackling pair across the common room, he feels a little too much of an anxious burn in his stomach as Sirius’ hand lingered for what felt like too long on James’ chest. It’s for show, they say. Get a kick out of shocking the first years that first time around. Dating Remus had put no stop to the act they put on for most of the school, particularly after some Hufflepuff boy called them fairies. His boyfriend is sprawled across James’ lap, crooning such lame and cheesy meaningless nothings that Remus would have smacked him by now for. Suddenly he was wishing for that useless dribble to be directed at him. He would have to reconsider his response in the future, appreciate it a little more if he could. Remus looked away hastily when Sirius made eye contact, hiding behind his Transfiguration book once more.

In morning Herbology they study lustasia dianthus, a key ingredient used for lust potions. Remus had to partner with Peter, James insisted that just because they were dating now did not mean they would break partner rotations. While Remus agreed, he wished for this particular class they could have worked together to avoid… Whatever you would call this. James leaned over now and then to whisper rather loudly just what they could do with this sort of potion, to which Sirius made a gagging expression and assured him he was could do much better than a Potter. Sirius did deflect the comment, but Remus often worried about his inability to provide Sirius activities of that nature.

“Talk to him, Moony. It’s okay to feel jealous, so long as you acknowledge and fix it. Don’t let this fester.” Peter advised, not looking up from his perfect sketch of the plant at hand. Remus gave a noncommittal grunt in response. Sometimes Peter sounded too much like a self help book, but he was often right. 

***

“Yes, we’ve been unofficially husband and husband for two years now, did you not know? Rings and all.” Sirius and James were making a spectacle of themselves at the Gryffindor table before the boy’s finally parted from their theatrics, Sirius plopping down next to Remus and hugging him tight. “Where you been Moons? I missed you yesterday evening.”

“I was in the Ravenclaw common room for a study group, sorry.” Remus mumbled, looking down at where Sirius ran his fingers across the back of his hand. The hidden touch almost brought him comfort, but it was still not enough to alleviate everything. He was starting to rethink PDA restrictions as well. 

“Oh… Well, I hope you were able to get everything in order then.” Sirius could sense Remus’ less-than-affectionate attitude, but he felt like now wasn’t the place to inquire about it. Remus had never been a fan of scenes in the common room, as their friendship had proved over the years. He withdrew his hand and turned towards his plate, selecting a BLT sandwich and fries before returning to the table’s conversation.

Remus’ sigh was audible.

All three of them were sitting at the library when he snapped. He hated himself for it too. Remus was supposed to be the level-headed one, sarcastic and witty. Their pranks were developed with the evil genius Prefect Remus secretly the brain of it all. He should know better. When James slid his hand down Sirius’ thigh to scare a first year Remus slammed his book shut so loudly the surrounding three tables jumped with the rest of the marauders. “STOP IT.”

The outburst left both boys wide-eyed and a little shocked, simply because Remus never lost his cool. He could boil with anger and wear a face as scary as McGonagall, but he never lashed out. Remus saw himself as enough of a monster without it. Before anyone could gather themselves enough to speak Remus fled the library, flushed with shame that only doubled when Madame Pince tried to scold him for yelling.

He hid in the room of requirement for hours, having found it after wishing for a place no one would find him. Inside was warm chamber much like his ideal bedroom, walls covered in books, a record player with any record he could dream of, and a stash of food large and diverse enough to put the Prewett’ twin’s black market to shame. After missing evening potions he went to the one person he knew he could always trust to go to. Minerva’s office.

When he knocked the stern witch’s voice informed him to enter, following her direction and pushing the heavy oak door to open to the Deputy Head’s office. “Yes? What is it Lupin?” She glanced away from her paperwork a second time and noticed Remus’ frazzled and sickly appearance, well, more sickly than usual. Remus are you alright?” Her voice had turned from stern to concerned, standing up from her desk Like the other teachers at Hogwarts, she was aware of his “affliction.”

“It’s not about anything big professor, I just, well I think I need some advice. And… Well, I’m not sure some teachers here would understand.” Remus had never even come out to an adult before, but it would be pretty obvious from the criteria of the situation. “I’ve been dating someone for a couple months now but… Well, they're very popular with others and definitely could do better than me. And I’ve tried to be, er,” Remus could barely bring himself to divulge any further, embarrassed to his very core. “Well, intimate with them. But it makes me feel sick and I just don’t know why. In theory it’s nice, but with a person I’m uncomfortable. Not only am I afraid they will get tired of dealing with that, but I'm not as fun as their best friend and that’s not even mentioning the fact that I’m a werewolf.”

“Who is this ‘they’, Mr. Lupin?” McGonagall asked, arching one eyebrow and leaning back in her chair. “I assure you, as a teacher, I am required to support all of our students no matter the situation. Unless you’ve maimed or killed someone with your pranks. As a human being with decent compassion, shocking yes I am a person, I would never judge or demean you for what you are. I thought that would have been made clear by now.”

Remus felt another niggle of guilt at this, swallowing hard and looking down at his shoes. Here goes nothing. “Well, it’s about Sirius and James. I know Sirius would never cheat on me, but he loves James so much. I’m scared to lose his interest. James can give him far more than I ever could.” Remus looked up at his teacher and saw a knowing look in her eyes.

“If you wish to keep the relationship between you and Mr. Black a secret, I suggest you tell him to stop putting his hand in your back pocket for the majority of class. And to stop gawking when you bring a sugar quill to lecture. If you master the art of subtlety, you can have a relationship with Poppy Pomfrey for over thirty years and none of your students suspect a thing.”

Remus gawked at this information, realizing he had never thought of McGonagall in any form of relationship.

“Nevertheless, I have the feeling you will only find the answers you seek by talking to Mr. Black directly. Remember that you're still human too, and you feel human emotions. So long as you resolve these matters in a decent manner, it is okay for you to experience anger and jealousy like everyone else around you.”

“Yes, professor. Erm, are you really together with Madam Pomfrey?”

“We share a cottage on the coast of Scotland, so you tell me. Now, go find Black before he destroys another portion of the school without your supervision.”

As soon as Remus entered the common room he was faced by a very worried looking Sirius. Sooner was better than later, he guessed. “I’m sorry Remus, we promise not to mess with the first years anymore. Please don't be mad.” The boy said immediately, eyes shining with sincerity. James was a couple feet away on the couch looking equally guilty.

Clearing his throat he looked away, trying to think of a way to get Sirius alone without scaring him. “We need to talk. Just us.”

Sirius suddenly looked a little green, nodding and following Remus up to the boy’s dormitory. “If this is a breakup discussion just throw me out the window, please.” He began before Remus could even take a seat on his bed.

Remus looked up at him in surprise. “This isn’t a breakup discussion, it’s... I wasn’t mad about you two teasing the first year. I know you and James are close, but... sometimes it hurts to see you act the way you do to him. I feel like a third wheel to my own boyfriend.”

His confession seemed to have shocked Sirius into a moment of silence before he could finally answer, “I didn't realize this was bothering you I, I’m sorry I didn’t realize this. Ive never wanted to make you hurt like that. We’ve never really talked about being public, and that's the only time I ever joked with James, I wasnt really sure how I was to proceed from there now that we were a thing. I should have made a point to talk about this sort of thing, discuss our comforts and boundaries.”

“Exactly, we never talked about it and I don't know. It was wrong of me to just assume you would be open about us, but once nothing happened I got too scared and doubtful to ask. It’s not an excuse but it’s a problem and I want to fix it before it ruins something.” Remus’ hands fidgeted endlessly in his lap, soon finding a piece of parchment in his pocket that he began to nervously fold in deep thought.

“If you want me to be more open with you of course I will, I was holding back for you.” Sirius murmured, stepping closer to run his thumb across the boy’s cheek.

Sirius’ words made his chest tighten, noting exactly how that was another problem. “You hold back for me, but how long is that going to work? I keep thinking about the times we tried to have sex and I don't know if I can ever provide that for you. I’m not sure why, but I promise it’s not your fault. Honestly, sometimes I just don’t think I’m meant for it. And I know you're not geared that same way, I think I fear that a time will come when you want that and James would be able to give that to you. Or any guy really. You’re so fucking beautiful, anyone could see that and I know people would want to.” He had to pause to try and gather the proper words, not wanting to make it sound like he thought Sirius was negatively sex driven or promiscuous.

“Remus, I don't care if you want to have sex with me or not, I-,”

“Sirius, you deserve someone so much better than me and you should know it! I can hardly buy you a one month anniversary gift and you do it /every/ month. I’ll never be able to have stable money being what I am and I’ll never be able to feel what you want me to feel! I’ll always be a sham of a boyfriend!” Remus was outbursting again, but now that things were out in the open it was like he had word vomit. "Werewolves don't get jobs like Tamers or Aurors, and we're not allowed to work for Muggles anymore. If the Ministry found out they'd put me in a cell so quick it would make your head spin, I-- ."

“Look where money’s gotten my family, Remus. Do you think I really care about such a shallow thing? Do you think I care that you're a werewolf? If I did would I be dating you right now? I love you enough that those things don't bother me, and they simply shouldn't. I’m not dating you for sex, I’ve got Sally for that!” Sirius raised his right hand and waved it wildly. "And my Uncle's gonna give me his fortune whenever he kicks the bucket, we both know my name's been zapped off any possible will and testament within my mother's influence."

The comment brought a bubble of bitter laughter to Remus’ lips. “You just had to name your right hand Sally.” Remus responded, unable to believe this boy sometimes. “But what if-,”

“Remus if we spent all our time worry about what-ifs, no one would ever do anything. We wouldn't have motorcycles, fire whiskey, music, chocolate… We wouldn't have chocolate Remus! We have a wonderful time ahead of us, together, no matter what happens. You say you're no goo. If I hadn’t asked you out I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. I’ll show you just how lovable and gay I can be, you’ll wish you’d never even met me.”

He couldn’t help but blush as Sirius tackled him, pulling at his torso to bring him farther into his lap. “Alright you big oaf, get off before you suffocate me. Save it for those Slytherin cousins of yours.”

“Yes, Moony.”


End file.
